‘I wanted to go to bed and wake up in a month’
When you hear something often enough you start to believe it!
I was never enough, I wasn’t clever enough, thin enough, pretty enough, sexy enough, you get the gist. I was never going to be enough.
At the time, these words really hurt me and started to become beliefs that I took on. I dieted, I trained, I had hair extensions, etc, but that wasn’t enough either.
On top of never being enough, I was also responsible for the way this person treated me, cheated on me and the way that he felt. All of that was all my fault, so you can imagine how it was really easy to start to feel like an all round generally shitty person. I was also told constantly that I should really be grateful to him, because if it wasn’t for him no one would want me!
After months of heart break, tears, screaming, crying, name calling, the list goes on. It ended quite dramatically one night with the police being called. He was arrested, but only to be released the next day with out charge. It was only two months later that domestic abuse became illegal.
Not only was I so confused with everything in life, I had completely lost me. I had no idea who I was anymore when I didn’t have someone telling me where I belonged or what to do.
Had I dreamt it? Were the things he said about me true? Was I such a shitty person?
I needed answers and I couldn’t get them.
I only had a few friends left the rest had grown sick of the drama months ago, even my parents couldn’t take anymore. I felt alone and isolated.
At this point I could not get my brain to switch off, thoughts were going around and around in my head constantly jumping from one possibility to the next, I was catastrophising everything. That’s when anxiety made its way into my life, but in a debilitating way.
I was scared and I was really, really lonely.
I remember driving home in tears whilst speaking to one of my friends and saying ‘I wish I could go to bed and wake up in a month when its all over and it wont hurt so much anymore’.
I cried myself to sleep most nights, I didn’t eat much, I didn’t dare go out. My paranoia was at an all time high and I convinced myself that people would be talking about me.
Over the next few months I invested my time in counselling, personal development, training and new friends.
I slowly learnt to trust again and the training that I did helped me to see that I wasn’t a shitty person at all and everything I had gone through was abuse.
Fast forward a few years and my life is in a completely different place.
I meet the most amazing man who truly is my soul mate and is a huge part of my healing. He has two beautiful children and we build our life together.
We spend our time trying to help others recover from depression and anxiety, which is an incredible feeling. It’s like the tables completely turned and I’m exceptionally grateful.
I still have good days and I have bad days. There are days I spend racking my brain as to whether I am a good person, whether I am getting things wrong, whether I am enough? I have days I look in the mirror and hate everything about the way I look because some of those hurtful words come back in to my head. I take my time I be kind with myself and I breathe until I am ready to get on with my day.
We were lucky enough to have a daughter of our own last year and I was so excited. I couldn’t wait to be a mum I had so many exciting things I wanted to do with my kids. I dreamt of these days for years, and I had it all planned out in my head, it was going to be amazing.
During my pregnancy the doubt started to creep in, which I appreciate is reasonably normal for women to feel during pregnancy. Mine became a problem and seemed to take me back to that place of feeling scared and alone.
I would drive down the road and find myself in floods of tears, constantly worrying whether my baby would be ok? What if I were to be in a car accident, would she be Ok without me? Were her and I going to end up on our own, and would I be able to look after her properly? Was I going to get being a mum wrong and what if she was taken away from me? This was the most important role of my life, the role I prepared myself for, and I wasn’t ready for it. What do you do if you think you’re going to fail at motherhood?
I really didn’t know what to do or whether it was a good idea to tell anyone about it either. If I opened up and talked about how I felt to people, they may take her away from me. I kept it bottled in!
In June my gorgeous little girl was born and she is just so special, I couldn’t have ever imagined loving someone this much. I stayed awake for the whole night she was born, holding her and starring at her to make sure she was alright and breathing.
The first week my partner was at home with me everyday, but the week after came and he went to work. All of a sudden things started to get really hard, I was scared to carry her downstairs in case I dropped her. I was scared to go downstairs and leave her upstairs in case I fell down the stairs and couldn’t get back to her. I tried to kept my phone next to me all the time in case I fell and needed help. In the end I got an Apple watch in case something happened, I could call someone.
Being a new parent is tough and it is a huge responsibility caring for a tiny human.
It can be an amazing experience for so many of us and yet for others It can be just too much to pressure to take.
I consider myself to be extremely lucky to have such an amazing little girl and an amazing family. There are still good days and there are still bad days where everything gets too much and I don’t think i am capable of looking after myself let alone an 8 month old but I get through and these days are becoming fewer and fewer. These years have completely changed my life, I am so grateful for my journey, as it’s enabled us to create PH7 Wellbeing and help others.
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