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Danielle’s Story

‘I blame myself for my step-fathers suicide’

Danielle

 ‘I blame myself for my step-fathers suicide’

If anyone is supposed to save people, it’s me. I’ve worked as a mental health nurse all of my adult life. I couldn’t save Paul.

Paul was the most incredible step father, but he had so many demons and issues to battle. My mother and I loved him immensley, and he knew that. We still do.

I tried everything, but I must not have tried hard enough. I took him to doctors appointments, he picked up the phone whenever he was low, I was always there to listen and I tried as hard as I could to get him on the right medication and therapy plan. I don’t know where I went wrong, but it must have been somewhere.

The week before Paul took his life, we had been in the doctors. I sat with him as he told him about his latest bout of depression. I spoke when I needed to, but I didn’t speak enough.

If I had just told the doctor Paul had started taking anti-depressants again, if I spoke louder about how depressed he seemed. He may still be here.

Nothing can or will ever prepare you for the moment the police are stood in front of you, but when they came to my work that day. I knew. I knew Paul had gone.

Paul waited for me to go to work, and whilst I was on a hospital ward helping other people with their mental health and solving their life problems, he took his.

I’ve been angry, I’ve been sad, I’ve cried endless tears. I was 28 at the time, and that was two years ago. It’s not got any better.

The emotions are still just as raw, and there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t blame myself. My mother has been my rock, she is a rock, but it floored our family and everyone we know.

I don’t know what my future holds and I don’t know how I will get over this. Everyone tells me it’s not my fault, but that can’t change my mindset. One day I hope I relieve some of this guilt and burden.

All I want is for people to talk. Please don’t leave anyone in your life with the pain I now have. We can help you. We desperately want to help you. I know that once someone get’s to ‘that’ place in life that there’s generally no bringing them back… but that will never ease this burden I now carry.

The Massive Mental Walk

Click84 People

84 North West Towns & Villages

Raising £84,000

Because 84 men take their lives each week.

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